A Letter To The ACLU

August 23, 2019

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Chad Werner. That’s right, “Chad”. Spelled C-H-A-D (clarified for press release purposes). I am currently a semi-employed male of German-Irish-but-100%-American (0% native) descent. My sexuality is hetero (yes please) while my religion can be best described as, “Methodist?” and/or “Trunk Month” I recognize that as a cisgender WASP heterosexual male with great health I am not the typical client that the American Civil Liberties Union advocates for, but, remember, as a cisgender WASP male I automatically believe my cause is one of the uttermost importance... because it is. Far above any other current fight for human rights.

Recently I’ve been having an issue with a derogatory conation attached to my given birth name. There have been many words and ideas rooted in hate that have been deemed politically incorrect in the past decade or so. Thankfully, you all have tirelessly defended the oppressed, as it is continually important to do in this day and age of consistent sexist, racist, ageist, and whatever other “cist” that has rooted itself under our American people’s skin. Well, good person of the ACLU automatically dedicated to my cause, I have a new “cist” for you to drain, and let’s just say this will be your toughest and most pus-filled one yet. Are you ready to fight? Good, because my daddy is paying for it. 

As Americans we are a people who are resilient, and, I believe, adaptable. Look at inventions adapting to our times! Inventions such as: the light bulb, air-conditioning, and the magic bullet (a magnificent device that allows us to not have to chew our food, I got an extra one when I ordered it, I’ll send your way). This American-designed-Chinese-made-magic-bullet-like adaptability is why I come to you with my plea today, because together, I believe we can make a change. It’s occurred to me that there is a word so deeply rooted in hate that popular media has deemed it not only proper, but humorous to use in a derogatory confine. It is the name that belongs to yours truly that has given me much grief my entire life. I do not speak of my surname, which has often come with an unfortunate phallic comparison… You can only go so many years before peers, coaches, teachers, and your “best-friends” begin to mispronounce “Werner” for “wiener.” Children are the cruelest species, consistently finding in my family’s name “penis-based laughs” (or PBL for short), laughs derived from the fact that my paternal name sounds like another name for a penis. Well I don’t find this “ha-ha funny” because PBL has haunted me from a very young age (another matter which will be addressed in a follow-up letter). Why we, as a culture, believe penis-based-humor are “funny” is a question far beyond me and a clear sign of an ever eroding American pubic.

I am writing today to ask for a formal statement or possible Supreme Court ruling in regard to the insensitivity of the name “Chad” brought about by popular media (I believe we have a strong case through Supreme Court JUSTICE, and all around down-to-crush beers bro, Brett Kavanaugh).

Chad is the name that above all other names has most consistently been associated with douche-baggery and broadly stereotyped high-school bully characters. Whether it’s the simplicity of the name, the quick single-syllabled pronunciation of the combined “cha” and “ad” or just the derivative humor that has been fused into our American mindset – “Chad” has almost thoughtlessly been synonymous with: a mean-spirited bully, Frat Lord, or guy-that-grunts-too-loud-at-the-gym (I bench 215 by the way). Despite my immense amount of success (I make $215 K a year), these assumptions by the American public have lost me far too many opportunities to count on one hand (6).

I only write this to you as a mere plea. My case is just the tip of the iceberg for the baker dozens of Chad’s out there who are dealing consistently with profiling and “nomenclaturism” of being named a name. Not only do we have to resort to shamefully speeding through our names in social settings, but I’ve also witnessed the shame of fellow chads using fake names at starbucks when ordering coffee. No longer will I stand idly by as fellow Chads go by “Jeff” or “Steve” and lose the pride in their God/parent given names.

Chads are not merely the fools that popular media has made us. We are doctors, lawyers, sport players, boat owners, regularly-unemployed filmmakers, and general rad dudes who you’d love to slurp down a claw-daddy with. So please hear our call with the same urgency and reverence of the many cases you have supported over past years. We (I) believe Chads can one day stand tall without the stigma that has become attached to us without choice. I envision a day when Chad’s can go through airport security without a glance and smile from the TSA, that we can be more than the “the high school douche-bag” but “the high school douche-bag with rights” and that we can possible meet and talk to someone we are attracted to without being consistently rejected... Cause it’s like, bro, why not? 

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Chad Werner

OTHER NAMES TO CONSIDER MAY NEED DEFENDING:

Brad

Brett

Brock

Bryce

Chaz

Chet

Clay

Jon Michael

Topher

Probably Zach